Mostly because it makes my heart so heavy with sadness that I don't know if I could re-read it. Hollywood has his first big project to do this week for school, a chart about ancestry and his family tree. He has to do a time line and find out facts he didn't know about our family. He would get extra credit for bringing in a family artifact so I got out my Grandma's bible, the one that has all the births and deaths in it written in her awful/beautiful because it was hers, handwriting. I turn those pages, the ones I used to look through as a little girl needing to memorize my bible verse for Sunday school or that weeks memory verse for school and I realized that her Date of Death and Poppy's wasn't in there... then I realized that yesterday, December 6th was the 4th anniversary of her death. Its not written in the bible because I haven't brought myself to write in it yet... then to write Poppy's... December 26th, 2003 ... their 59th wedding anniversary that they got to spend together because he could not live without her so he made a choice, not obvious or deliberate but his heart literally broke just 20 days later when he left us to find her in heaven.
I miss them so much... I miss the feel of his cheek against my cheek when I gave him a hug, I miss Gram's hand in my hand when we would talk. I miss their voices and their home. How it always felt safe. I can't tell you all the wonderful stories about my grandparents because there could be a whole blog about what I have learned from my grandparents, Gram, Poppy and Mom-Mom. All the times I made memories in thier homes.
It makes me think of my house. I realize that my house is cluttered with more than just junk but with things I should not have emotional ties to but do anyway. I need to let go. I need to come to terms that the pictures my grandmas bible and my uncles guitar are more than enough and let the rest go. Clean house physically and mentally. If I can clean house there will be room to let new and wonderful things enter our lives. I just have to keep thinking that way. LOL
My friend Kelli Rocks. She has kept me grounded and centered and she is that true friend who is not afraid to hold anything back. True and faithful for the last 12 years. This is also a shameless ploy to get back into her good graces. Love ya Kel! and because I love you so much and you love me you wont mind me saying "I will kick your butt at that marathon".