Nook Look

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Not for the lack of crying... or trying

Sometimes when I write it takes me in a whole new direction than where I started from, new ideas, new path of thinking, sometimes a whole new opinion about what I thought I already knew. I thought I had worked through the grief of losing my Uncle James. His death not only left me with the sadness of losing him but rehashed the feelings of losing Grandma and Poppy almost three years ago. There at the end I found myself asking them if they would be there for Uncle James, showering him with the love I had for them and for him, although I am sure he had others like Pam Huie waiting for him, comforting him. It made me feel better thinking that Gram and Poppy were there though. I guess that would be something I will never know, at least not in my life here on Earth.

So these feelings I thought I had passed... I found my self heavy with sadness again, for Uncle James, for the fact that I wasn't there for the funeral that I knew I could not attend. My place with Sandy, Brian, Brianna and Tyler was of upmost importance then. Priorities. So why do I feel guilt about it now? Is it guilt or just grief and sadness? Is this what I'm still supposed to be feeling, even though its been only been about 2 months and feels like forever. It seems with every closing chapter another opens, like groundhogs day. New page number, new characters; same plot, story line. So I guess I'm not over it yet. I guess I still have something to learn. Something that either has not be brought to my attention or that I am too naive to understand. So all the answered questions are still unanswered but the questions are more clear none-the-less.

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