My heart feels so beat up lately. Its torn and bruised and battered but it beats on. I've let things that shouldn't bother me or that I have buried and made peace with rise to the surface. When you aren't expecting them or can't fend them off the monsters raise their angry heads. I said some irrational and hurtful things to a friend out of hurt anger and exhaustion from trying and trying and trying with her. I just want her to be happy and my unhappiness with her issues should not be on her shoulders too. I just want her to be whole again and I can't make that happen.
I have troubles with anxiety. I learned about 10 years ago how to deal with them without taking medication although sometimes it is so overwhelming I'd like to disappear in a haze and sleep off the shortness of breath, chest crushing pain and narrow view I have of the world when a panic attack hits. I feel them coming and I can usually identify what the trigger is and either avoid further anxiety or breath through it. Many times I just need a good run then a good cry in the shower and I'm better. The run centers me, gets my endorphins pumping and pushes the anxiety out of the way. I need it and crave it on weeks like this. If I can't run I pray, I read the Bible, I talk to God. Generally don't ask for anything but clarity and strength. I do this a lot when I run alone. It centers me and heals my broken heart.
The boys are back at school and I feel like such a slug. I need to do more laundry, pick up the living room again, clean the kitchen again. Its like I haven't done anything for the last two days FFP has been gone but I have. There's just no proof. Hopefully with him home for 4 days I can accomplish something. A long run on Saturday morning before a baseball game would be a start.
What do you do to center yourself when the world seems to be crashing down? What heals you?