Nook Look

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

What heals you?

My heart feels so beat up lately. Its torn and bruised and battered but it beats on. I've let things that shouldn't bother me or that I have buried and made peace with rise to the surface. When you aren't expecting them or can't fend them off the monsters raise their angry heads. I said some irrational and hurtful things to a friend out of hurt anger and exhaustion from trying and trying and trying with her. I just want her to be happy and my unhappiness with her issues should not be on her shoulders too. I just want her to be whole again and I can't make that happen.

I have troubles with anxiety. I learned about 10 years ago how to deal with them without taking medication although sometimes it is so overwhelming I'd like to disappear in a haze and sleep off the shortness of breath, chest crushing pain and narrow view I have of the world when a panic attack hits. I feel them coming and I can usually identify what the trigger is and either avoid further anxiety or breath through it. Many times I just need a good run then a good cry in the shower and I'm better. The run centers me, gets my endorphins pumping and pushes the anxiety out of the way. I need it and crave it on weeks like this. If I can't run I pray, I read the Bible, I talk to God. Generally don't ask for anything but clarity and strength. I do this a lot when I run alone. It centers me and heals my broken heart.

The boys are back at school and I feel like such a slug. I need to do more laundry, pick up the living room again, clean the kitchen again. Its like I haven't done anything for the last two days FFP has been gone but I have. There's just no proof. Hopefully with him home for 4 days I can accomplish something. A long run on Saturday morning before a baseball game would be a start.

What do you do to center yourself when the world seems to be crashing down? What heals you?

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