Nook Look

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Balancing Act

There are so many things going through my mind right now. Too many to count of to focus on. This is where my anxiety finds its strength. When I'm tired, when I feel overwhelmed and don't have enough time for everyting. Then it calls... knocking down the door. Headache, stomach ache, shakes, tunnel vision,shortness of breath, tightness in my chest, the tears. I have been so good at keeping it at bay, not needing medicine, using visualization and meditative practices to hold back the panic that rises up to show its ugly head.

I couldn't even tell you when they started because by they time I realized I was having them it was normal, part of my life. Although I have a bottle of Xanex on hand I have only had to use them a handful of times in the last 10 years. I have found that in the last year they have been showing up more often, and develop far more quickly than ever before. I had them whenenver I had to do a speech for Public Speaking class but I got over that with Teaching CPR. Until last summer when in the middle of my class I would lose my breath, feel scattered and lose my train of thought. I would start shaking and feel like the world would end before I could finish my class. I was good at teaching. I hated being held back.

When my grandparents died I used excersise to hold the attacks at bay. Now I try to use running. I find that running by myself gives me a little too much time to think to myself, I have a tendency to overthink and anylize things. I'm not sure if its a good thing or not. I do feel better when I run though so I'm hoping this is a step (or few) in the right direction.

No comments: